I’ve much resonance with the words of the astrologer Kelley Rosano this month and again I paraphrase:
“When you come from love, you don’t have to hurt or make fun of others – this is real power, authentic power…When you’re coming from fear, you have to attack others, hurt others…”
“Let go of what no longer serves you … let go of people and things that no longer serve you or do you harm”
This is a pivotal year for me in the transformation of self to a higher state of awareness – this means that I have to go forward in faith and in essence, to let go of things and people who serve me no good or do me harm. I feel a new beginning, a new life just on the verge of arriving – it’s a time similar to the dawning sun just beneath the horizon.
I’ve always known when people “do me harm”. I think most people operate under a state of unconsciousness but I’ve looked past these behaviours because I wanted to “be normal” so desperately. But when mostly surrounded by people who are blind to their ways, that’s a lot to overlook – I see this now but I would do it because that’s what I thought I should do to make friends – to fit in – to be loved – to be approved – to be like everyone else – the status quo.
I have a good memory. This served me well in school under the guise of rote learning/teaching practices. But it is also a disheartening burden because I remember everything good and bad. Within this, I remember every time someone gave insult whether to my face or under their breath – indirect or passive behaviours linger the most because I’m not good at deciphering cryptic words/actions – I tend to think of cryptic acts as signs of cowardice and why would anyone choose to speak in such a way? Why not just say what you think? I believe because cryptic acts help one avoid immediate response – there is no courage when you speak under your breath or behind someone’s back – there is only insecurity and lack of compassion.
I was lonely growing up but now, I’m alone (most of the time) but not lonely. And I think people act out against me (and others – the “othering” of any person we deem abnormal due to race, creed, orientation, gender, age, financial status and so on) because they are afraid – they are afraid when they see someone different – someone who is alone and not lonely- someone who is working on building authentic power.
Many times, I stopped believing in myself because I could sense this upset people or enraged them or tapped into their ego so I put my solitude on a shelf to appease others’ unconsciousness and in doing so became deeply unconscious.
I realize I continually moved closer to awakening the more I “lived” by myself. Walking to school, driving, travelling or recently when I travelled to Beijing and walked the Great Wall or explored the city – all of these moments of solitary movement were bringing me closer to myself and yet I would move farther away when I listened to my ego.
When I think of my life as blindly following or as seeking approval, I think of sadness.
There is no levity, no inspiration and no joy.
There is no heaven on earth.
I don’t know who I used to be but I am glad I know who I am.